


Double Your Pleasure

by nerdcredred, Ocelot_l



Series: Lifetimes [32]
Category: Atop the Fourth Wall, That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdcredred/pseuds/nerdcredred, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ocelot_l/pseuds/Ocelot_l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phelous suggests that he and Snob try double dating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All works can also be found at my LiveJournal page at http://bookishlady242.livejournal.com/
> 
> This fic is published WITH PERMISSION from ocelot_l. She is the sole writer of this story and as it is part of the Lifetimes canon, gave me permission to upload it here.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: We do not own these characters, nor the people who portray these characters. This is meant as a work of fiction and is fair use. "Double Your Pleasure" is from the Double-Mint gum commercial jingle. (...we had some trouble finding a good song with the word double in it, okay?! XD)
> 
> Ocelot's Notes: Spoilers for Critic's "The Purge" review are in this story. Thank you to my wonderful friend bookishlady242 for being my beta! We hope you enjoy!

Phelous lay placidly on the couch; Lloyd curled up tightly on his stomach snoozing, while a _Garfield and Friends_ rerun played on the television. He was only half-paying attention to it, since the other half of him was struggling to keep from slipping into a coma due to how bored he felt, but he still frowned when the channel suddenly changed.

Cinema Snob, who’d finally finished editing his latest episode it seemed, was standing in the living room and grinning, the remote in one hand and a stack of DVDs in the other.

“Hey, I was watching that,” Phelous mumbled, blinking several times to clear the drowsiness from his eyes.

“Oh no, really?” Snob asked in a tone full of mock-concern. “Well let me tell you how it ends, then: the fucking cat eats lasagna and hates Mondays.” Snob ignored the eye-roll this remark warranted and walked over to his comfortable chair before plopping down into it, sighing happily. “Now that you’ve gotten closure on your fucking cartoon, can we begin our date night?”

Lloyd’s ears pricked up when he heard Snob’s voice and he jumped to the floor so he could rub against the man’s legs, allowing Phelous to sit up and stretch a little. “What did you have in mind for that?” 

Snob’s grin returned and he held up the DVDs. “I’ve got all of your favorite horror flicks. While they are a bit too low-brow for my impeccably high standards, I thought you might enjoy witnessing countless horny teenagers getting sliced and diced tonight.”

Snob didn’t expect Phelous’s soft sigh in response to his suggestion and he lowered his arm to peer at him curiously. “That sounds great,” Phelous replied, trying to look more cheerful though not quite managing to succeed.

“Is there something else you’d rather do?”

“Well, I was just thinking,” Phelous began slowly, “We’ve watched movies every Saturday night for the past few months – and every Friday and Sunday night too, if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah,” Snob replied, not seeing any problem with those statements. “So?”

“So I was thinking,” Phelous repeated, “maybe it’d be nice to spend one weekend…you know…not at home watching movies.”

Snob stared at him with a frown. “You mean you want to go out somewhere?”

Phelous shrugged. “That might be fun.”

“Oh, I don’t want to go out,” Snob moaned, suddenly sounding like a petulant five year old. “You know how much I fucking hate anywhere that isn’t here.”

“We don’t have to go alone. It could be like a double-date type thing with some of our friends,” Phelous suggested in a slightly hopeful tone. 

“I fucking hate our friends!” Snob moaned, even louder than before. He was just starting to gear up for a magnificent whine session when another sigh from Phelous stilled his tongue and softened his expression.

“God, if you’re gonna be such a fucking baby, just forget about it.” Phelous murmured as he leaned back against the couch, hunching down somewhat. 

“Phel-”

“Let’s just watch a movie like we always do. Turn it on.”

“I’m not going to turn it on if you’re pissed at me.”

“I’m not pissed.”

Snob cocked his head at him, watching as Phelous picked up a pillow and aggressively fluffed it before shoving it behind his head. “You seem pissed.”

“I’m not pissed.”

“Phel…”

“Snob. Movie. Now.”

Snob sighed, knowing he would not be able to get anything more out of his boyfriend right then, since Phelous had a habit of growing tight-lipped when upset, so he loaded a DVD into the player without further argument. He continued to subtly watch Phelous as the night progressed and felt relieved when the taller man truly started to relax and enjoy the movies, although neither man could claim to be fully at ease that night.

\-----

A week passed by without incident and another Saturday night rolled around, much sooner than Phelous expected. He scratched his goatee while settling down on the couch, wondering when Snob would appear with that evening’s viewing options. Sooner than expected Snob did show up, dressed surprisingly in one of his better suits, grabbed his wallet and car keys, and turned around to flash Phelous his million-watt smile.

“I hope you’re not planning on going out in that. A snob of my refined taste needs to have a man on his arm who can appropriately reflect my charms, so you’d better change before we depart.” He said in a teasing voice.

“Are you serious?” Phelous asked, rising to his feet and looking into Snob’s eyes for confirmation of his words.

“Do you think I’d waste my precious spare time pulling a fucking joke on you?” Snob asked, looking slightly annoyed by the question, although his voice retained a strong amount of amusement. “Come on, I want to get there before it’s too crowded so we don’t all have to cram into the back.”

Phelous’s brows rose up into his hairline. “All? You mean, someone else is coming with us?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Snob explained dismissively. “I decided to give your shitty double-date idea a try and invited the friends who pissed me off the least this week.” Chuckling softly in disbelief, Phelous approached Snob and wrapped his arms around him.

“I thought you hated our fucking friends?”

Snob looked up at him, his cheeks acquiring the slightest tinge of pink. “Well, yeah, but…I don’t hate you.”

Snob’s face only grew pinker thanks to Phelous pinning him against the front door and kissing him until they were both breathless, and then kissing him a bit longer while throwing in some mild groping, but he managed to return to some semblance of his usual pale self by the time they arrived at their destination. Phelous had grabbed a new shirt and a tie before leaving the house, which Snob nodded at approvingly as they made their way through the parking lot.

“Now that’s an outfit fitting for someone who’ll be seen with me in public.”

“Right, because there’s always a swarm of paparazzi surrounding you when you leave the house, just ready to pounce on any fashion faux pas.” Phelous snarked. He adjusted his tie nevertheless, causing Snob to smile once again, before he cast his gaze upon the warehouse-looking building in front of them. “Since when do you enjoy going to clubs?”

“Since never,” Snob said, looking disgusted by the very idea of such a place. “This is actually an underground coffee house slash discothèque slash spoken word auditorium.”

“That sounds more like it,” Phelous said before shooting Snob a playful smile. “So if it’s a disco, does that mean you want to dance with me?”

Snob scoffed. “No one dances anymore, Phelous. We’re here to simply sit back, drink coffee, and enjoy some decent music for a change.”

“Hey, fellows!” a familiar, British voice suddenly called out to them. Snob and Phelous turned to the find the Nostalgia Critic and Film Brain approaching them. 

“Huh, I didn’t expect to see you two tonight,” Phelous admitted. 

“Well, the pipsqueak was nice enough to help me out with a cameo not too long ago, so I figured why not ask him and Critic.” Snob said with an uninterested shrug.

“I loved getting to be a bastard to you!” Film Brain agreed.

“As do we all!” Critic chimed in, earning himself a harsh glare from Snob.

“So, how are you guys?” Phelous asked, noticing how both men seemed to be wearing nervous smiles. “You, uh, you did want to come tonight, right? Snob didn’t threaten you or anything?”

“Nice,” Snob said with a roll of his eyes.

“Of course we wanted to come!” Film Brain replied, his voice sounding higher in pitch than usual. “I’ve really wanted a chance to go out somewhere with Critic.”

“I’m sure this place will be far better than the shitholes Critic has taken you to before.” Snob remarked in a cheeky manner.

“Fuck you!”

“So, um, what did you two think of our recent collaboration?” Film Brain asked, trying to prevent a fight from breaking out. “I thought it was pretty decent. I just hope the performance I gave was effective.”

“It was great,” Phelous replied, smiling down at the Brit. “I totally bought you as a psychotic freak who would kill us all at any moment.”

“Really?” Film Brain blushed with delight. 

“You two have great chemistry, but I think you were the standout this time, Film Brain.”

“I told you that you were amazing in that video,” Critic said, resting his hand lightly atop Film Brain’s shoulder. “Working with you on camera was one of my more brilliant ideas.”

“And was it also your brilliant idea to break up _Pinky and the Brain_?” Phelous asked darkly, suddenly glaring at Critic.

“Hey, that was a long time coming and you know it!” Critic snapped, looking a bit flustered now.

“Do you know how many childhoods you’ve destroyed because of that fucking idea?”

“It led to world peace, didn’t it?”

Snob snorted. “Oh yeah, and how long did that last? A day?”

“See, even Snob agrees that your idea was shitty!”

“Actually no, Phel, I couldn’t care less about whether two cartoon rats are fucking or not…not unless they’re in a movie I have to review, that is.”

“Well, I-I’m sure that one day Critic will help them get back together,” Film Brain chimed in, looking up at his boyfriend with a confident grin. “He’s actually quite good at handling relationships and he’s much more sensitive than you’d think…I think he could be quite a matchmaker if he wanted to be.”

Critic’s face reddened a bit and he reached out, snagging Film Brain’s hand within his own. “Actually yeah, I do have one idea that might work…though it involves us finding a Pippi Longstocking costume and rubber pants in their sizes.”

“I just know your idea is brilliant.” Film Brain murmured, squeezing Critic’s hand a little.

“Oh God,” Snob muttered softly enough so that only Phelous could hear it. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Phelous rolled his eyes at Snob, more amused than anything right now. “Leave them alone. They’re still new to this whole being a couple thing. Everyone always gushes during that stage.”

“I never gushed about you.”

“That’s because you’re a jackass.”

Snob pouted for the rest of the walk, but his eyes lit up when they finally reached the front door of the building and heard the music coming from inside. “Sweet. This song is amazing.”

“I love it too,” Film Brain agreed, his expression melting slightly as he locked eyes with Critic for a moment. “It really puts me in the mood to dance.”

“Heh, yeah,” Critic murmured. The two stared dreamily at each other for a moment, while Snob looked about ready to lose his lunch. Phelous quickly moved toward the man standing at the door and pulled out his wallet. 

“How much is it for two people?”

“Twenty bucks.”

Phelous paid and looked back, ready to escort Snob inside, when he noticed Critic and Film Brain had once again retained their awkward expressions. 

“Oh, um, right, the entry fee,” Critic said, one hand twitching slightly. “Should I, um…?”

“N-no, that’s okay,” Film Brain piped up. “I can pay for myself, it’s not a bother.”

Critic frowned. “But I thought I was supposed to…you know…”

“W-well that’s very sweet of you,” Film Brain said, “but you shouldn’t have to pay for everything.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

“Oh.” Film Brain grinned widely, his cheeks growing as pink as Snob’s had been earlier that day. “Th-thank you, Critic. But, um, I do feel bad if you’re going to be the only one who shoulders that responsibility, so I must insist that you allow me to pay for us sometimes as well.”

“I know,” Critic said, his eyes lighting up. “Why don’t I pay for you, and you pay for me?”

Film Brain considered that a moment. “Isn’t that the same as each of us paying for ourselves?”

“I guess you’re right,” Critic mumbled, rubbing at his chin as he tried again to consider this dilemma.

“Oh for Christ’s sake.” Snob stormed over to the man and thrust out two bills for him. “I’m paying for those two idiots, so let us in before I end up in jail for murdering them.”

“Smooth,” Phelous muttered to him as the four headed inside.

“You know I have a short temper. Blow me.”

“Thanks for paying for us, Snob.” Snob rolled his eyes and shook his head at Film Brain.

“It’s fine. Just buy me cappuccinos all night and we’ll call it even.”

“That’s right, the coffee,” Critic said softly, his eyes darting around to the tables laden with beverages and snacks they passed on the way to their own table, before they met Film Brain’s gaze. “So how should we…?”

“This is pretty much the same situation as paying the entrance fee,” Film Brain replied with some hesitance, “so really it makes the most sense for one of us to pay for everything this time while the other pays the next time, doesn’t it?”

“Okay, so I’ll pay this time.”

“Critic, I-I really don’t mind paying.”

“I don’t mind either. Besides, this is the least I can do for you.”

“Don’t talk like that. You know that’s not true.”

“I know, I know, sorry.”

“Um,” Phelous finally interrupted, causing both men to jump. “Not to be rude or anything, but haven’t you guys been dating for a few months now?”

“Yeah, so?” Critic asked, suddenly looking defensive.

“So I guess I’m used to couples having figured out how they pay for dates by this point,” Phelous replied with a shrug as he settled into his chair. He didn’t really mean to pry into the personal lives of others; he was mostly trying to smooth things over before Snob grew annoyed again.

Critic sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck, slinking down in his own seat in embarrassment. “I know what you’re saying, but it’s different for us. We don’t get together as often as we should because of the distance and because we’re both so busy with reviews, especially me, so when we do have dates we usually just hang out as his home or mine watching movies or having dinner together.”

“Which I really enjoy!” Film Brain added, his face lighting up. “I’m so happy when we can spend time together, Critic, and I love it when we can curl up on the couch together watching a terrible movie, you know?”

“Yeah, that is fun,” Phelous had to admit as he recalled several pleasant evenings he’d spent entangled in Snob’s arms.

“I like that too, Film Brain,” Critic assured him. “I just wish I could take you out more and, you know, show you a good time.”

Film Brain reached across the table and took Critic’s hand, squeezing it gently once again. “You don’t have to worry about that, Critic. Being with you is what makes me happiest, even if that means we never leave your house again.”

The two stared at each other in a very dopey manner before they remembered that Phelous and Snob were still sitting beside them, and hastily pulled apart. “So, um, coffee! I insist that I buy a round for the whole table!” Critic declared, looking more decisive than normal. “Along with a side of those, uh, what-do-you-call-them? Bisketti?”

“Biscotti, dear,” Film Brain corrected before suddenly flushing, since he’d never called Critic that in front of others before.

To Snob and Phelous’s surprise, Critic blushed as well and seemed almost giddy all of a sudden. “Oh, thank you…dear.”

The two beamed at each other in such a sickeningly sweet way this time that even Phelous started to feel a twinge of disgust for them. 

“Why couldn’t they have been the ones who sent me the seaweed flavored lollipops in the mail?” Snob murmured, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands hard enough to cause himself pain in the hopes of distracting himself from the couple.

Phelous arched an eyebrow. “Who sent you that?”

“That fucking ninja guy who used to camp out in my backyard. He seemed to think I was some guy named Brad and that I would review them or some shit. I’m plotting my revenge as we speak.”  


The waitress arrived then, dispersing any further thoughts of revenge, and in no time at all the four were enjoying their drinks. Snob, who was now sipping his very expensive mocha cappuccino and bopping his head in time to the music, finally started to relax and enjoy himself, which had the same effect on Phelous. He smiled over at Snob in appreciation. This was just what he had been hoping for, a fun night out with his friends and his boyfriend.

Snob sighed approvingly as yet another funky hit from the seventies started to play. “Ahh, this is a favorite of mine,” he said, leaning back against his chair and closing his eyes as he attempted to get lost in the melody. “I remember the first time I ever heard this song. I was just a kid spending a rainy weekend curled up under a blanket while watching the cult classic film-”

Snob’s words halted when the mellow music was suddenly overpowered by a burst of booming bass sounds. “What the fuck is that?” he demanded, opening his eyes and sitting upright.

“Hey guys, check this out!” Critic called from a few feet away. “I found a jukebox and it’s filled with all sorts of crap! There’s a shit-ton of songs and soundtracks from movies in here and – holy fuckballs! It has the main song from _The Neverending Story_! I’m playing that fucker all night long!”

As Critic eagerly fed quarters into the machine, an expression of horror overtook Snob’s face and he flagged down their waitress as quickly as he could. “Where the fuck did you get that thing?” he demanded, pointing to the jukebox.

“Oh, the owner just bought it last night,” she said with a smile. “Some guy in a white jacket came by selling all this 80s paraphernalia really cheap and we couldn’t pass up the bargain.”

Snob’s eyes narrowed to slits and Phelous could already see the steam pouring from his ears. He quickly reached over and rested his hand atop his arm. “Come on, it’s not that bad,” he said, trying to sooth him into calming down. “You’ve heard shittier songs in movies than this, Snob.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Snob admitted with a sigh. “I guess this one isn’t intolerable.” He lifted his cup to his lips and took another swig of his drink as Critic returned to the table. Critic once again had a giddy look in his eyes as he nervously extended his hand toward Film Brain.

“You wanna dance?” he asked, sounding a bit shy. Film Brain’s face lit up and he nodded.

“Sure! I’ve always wanted to dance with you, Critic!” In his haste to stand up, Film Brain bumped into Snob’s arm and caused his cappuccino cup to empty all over the right side of his suit. 

“Fuck!” Snob snapped, not from pain but annoyance as he hurriedly grabbed some napkins and tried to wipe the beverage from his clothes. “Do you know how much it costs to get this dry-cleaned?” He looked out angrily toward the middle of the room, where several couples were dancing now alongside their friends. “You fuckers are paying for this!”

“Calm down,” Phelous said as he dabbed at Snob’s sleeve. “I’m sure they’ll be fine with helping us pay to clean it-”

“Not helping us pay, fully paying,” Snob demanded, his nostrils slightly flared. “Along with the shitload of drinks I’m ordering right now!”

As Snob once again signaled for the waitress to approach, Film Brain and Critic continued to glide across the floor and gaze into each other’s eyes, completely lost in their own world.

“I never knew you were so light on your feet,” Film Brain murmured as he was nimbly dipped and then spun around. 

“It’s not something I usually show off, since I don’t dance with just anyone,” Critic replied with a smirk. Film Brain blushed once again before gasping as he was pulled close to Critic’s chest. He stared up at him a moment, his pupils dilating, before he pushed up on the tips of his toes and pressed his lips to Critic’s. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, since neither had ever been bold enough to be affectionate in public like this, and when he pulled back, Film Brain’s whole face was red.

“I-I’m sorry,” he squeaked out. “I didn’t mean to-I just thought I, um, saw some foam on your lip and I-I wanted to help get it,” he weakly explained, knowing full well how pathetic a lie that was. 

To Film Brain’s surprise, Critic lowered his head and whispered into his ear, “I should really check that out in the bathroom. Why don’t you come with me and make sure I’ve gotten all that…foam.”  


Nervous giggles slipped past Film Brain’s mouth as he and Critic made a beeline for the restrooms, which didn’t escape Snob or Phelous’s notice.

“What the hell is going on with them now?” Snob grumbled, looking rather suspicious.

“I don’t know, but I’m not sure they’re coming back.” Phelous replied. 

Half an hour later, when _The Neverending Story_ theme finally stopped playing, Phelous’s words were validated.

“Fuck them! I can’t believe they just ditched us like that!” Snob cried, slamming an empty cup against the table.

“You’re going to break that,” Phelous scolded.

“So what? It’s not like anything else could make this night worse.”

“Here’s your bill,” the waitress said with a smile as she dropped the extraordinarily long piece of paper onto the table.

Snob’s mouth fell open before his eyes flashed with anger. “Those motherfuckers!”

Phelous sighed and reached for his wallet. “It’s fine. We’ll get a refund from Critic and Film Brain later, so don’t worry about it.”

“That is not the point,” Snob said, still angry. “The point is that they fucking ruined this double-date and everything you wanted. I cannot believe those selfish assholes.”

“It’s really okay, Snob. I got what I wanted from this night out, so we don’t have to try a double-date again.”

“You’re such a fucking liar,” Snob said, causing Phelous to pause and scowl at him.

“What did you just say?”

“Come on, Phelous, don’t fucking deny it. I know this isn’t what you wanted so don’t act like it’s okay. It’s not fucking okay until we both feel like it’s okay, and that’s why I’m not going to give up until I make it right for you, so don’t make any plans for next weekend because we are going out again!”

Phelous’s eyes were wide when Snob finished his spiel. Even though a part of him wanted to just end this night and forget about what had happened, he couldn’t help feeling touched by Snob’s devotion to honor his wish, so instead of taking the easy way out, he merely nodded and smiled at the shorter man. “Whatever you say, Snob.”


	2. Chapter 2

One week later, Phelous was once again overcome by surprise, though not because he was going out on another double-date with Snob and some mystery couple, but because of the location of said date.

“Are you sure this is right?” Phelous asked as Snob pulled the car into the parking lot of a very fancy looking restaurant.

“This is it,” Snob said, flashing his million-watt smile at the other man. He had cheered up considerably now that his suit was cleaned and a pile of money plus an apology note from Film Brain was sitting on his desk back home. He walked over to hold open the car door for Phelous and the two made their way inside the restaurant at a leisurely pace.

“Are you sure we can afford this?” Phelous asked, peering doubtfully around him at the lavish paintings on the walls, crystal chandeliers, and the violinist who was stood beside tables, ready to perform for patrons.

Snob chuckled as the waiter showed them to their table. “We don’t have to. This whole meal is being paid for so all we have to worry about is how to stuff down all that caviar and crème brulee without puking.”

Phelous furrowed his brow. “Are you serious? Who would ever agree to pay for our meals in a place like this?”

“Hey, fellas! Glad to see ya!” Phelous looked up and spotted Harvey and Linkara walking toward them, each dressed in a very fine suit.

“I didn’t expect to see you two,” Phelous admitted, since Snob had been insistent on planning everything, wanting Phelous to be completely surprised by the evening.

“After that sickening display last Saturday, I figured it would be best to try a couple that is not newly dating and still horny as fuck with each other.” Snob muttered softly, so only Phelous could hear him.

“We didn’t expect it either,” Linkara replied as he sat down across from Phelous. “When I heard from Harvey that Snob wanted us to join you two out for dinner, I thought he was playing a joke on us for sure.”

“I would come up with a more sophisticated joke than that, thank you very much.” Snob said in a snooty tone.

“The point is, we’re glad to be here.” Phelous said with a smile. Doubling with this pair was sure to be more calming for Snob.

“As are we,” Harvey said as he picked up his menu. “I hope you boys like seafood because the eels here are to die for.”

“E-eels?” Snob asked, looking suddenly nervous. “I-I mean, well of course such a dish would suit my highly refined palate, but I wouldn’t want to make the rest of you feel inferior about your own lackluster choices.”

Phelous shot Snob a look. “When have you ever tried to stop from making someone feel inferior to you?”

Snob glared daggers at him. “I am not in the mood for seafood, Phelous, so why don’t you kindly shut the fuck up and study your menu.”

While Phelous silently chuckled at Snob’s controlled rage, Linkara took Snob’s advice and studied the menu before frowning. “It looks like most of the specials here are seafood, Snob. I’m surprised you picked this place if you weren’t in the mood for it.”

“Oh, I didn’t pick it,” Snob answered, failing to notice that Harvey was now subtly making hand signals to catch his attention. “While my videos are still extraordinarily popular, I am not exactly raking in enough cash to afford eating a place like this too often.”

“Wait, you didn’t pick the restaurant?” Linkara asked, looking very confused. Harvey was now waving his napkin about in an attempt to get Snob’s attention, but sadly for him only Phelous took notice while his boyfriend continued to speak.

“No. Once I called to float this whole double-date idea past you two, Harvey mentioned wanting to check this place out. I even brought up how pricy it was, but he assured me he could cover our bill as well as yours,” Snob informed with a grin before he finally turned to face Harvey. “He’s one hell of a guy, really – and why do you look like you’re about to toss a roll at me?”

Harvey quickly lowered his arm, dropping the now squished piece of bread onto his plate, and put on an innocent expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, uh, w-why don’t we all order a round of bubbly?”

“Harvey.” Linkara was staring daggers at the singer. “Is that true? You were the one who suggested this place?”

“I wanted us to eat somewhere nice, Kid.”

“And you offered to pay their bills?”

“I was just trying to be friendly,” Harvey said, leaning over and resting a hand on Linkara’s shoulder. “These two aren’t raking in the dough like you and me. Ain’t it a nice gesture to treat ourselves and our friends once in a while?”

Linkara placed his hand atop Harvey’s and stiffly moved it off his shoulder. “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?” he asked coolly, his expression showing he refused to take no for an answer. 

Harvey swallowed thickly, his skin growing ashen, but he nodded. “S-sure, Kid.” He turned back to Snob and Phelous then. “Uh, if you two will excuse us for just a min-ah!”

Linkara snatched Harvey’s arm and pulled him along before Harvey could finish speaking, hurriedly pulling him out the front door of the building. When they were gone, Snob and Phelous turned to each other with disconcerted expressions.

“So, I guess I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“Nope.”

“Do you think Linkara’s really pissed?”

The two jumped as a sudden stream of angry words loud enough to cause the chandeliers to tremble seeped inside the still-opened door.

“Yep.”

Snob sighed, rubbing his temples furiously. “Shit. How long do you think the fight’s going to last?”

The two never did find out the answer to that question, since a staff member rushed to close the door a moment later, and they were left in silence to contemplate their thoughts for at least ten minutes. Then, a waiter arrived and smiled at them.

“I am so sorry for the wait. There was a disturbance in the parking lot which required most of our staff’s intervention, but it has all been settled now.”

Snob and Phelous exchanged another glance before Phelous asked, “Um, yeah, about that. Do you know if those two guys are coming back inside soon?”

“Oh no, they have been asked to leave the premises and never return,” the waiter happily replied as he pulled out his order pad. “Now, what kind of drinks would you like to start off with?”

“Actually, can we see a wine list?” Snob asked, earning a look of confusion from Phelous.

“Of course, sir.” the waiter replied before walking away to fetch one.

“Quick, run for the car,” Snob muttered. Phelous nodded, understanding perfectly, and the two took off at once.

\-----

“Okay, this time it’s going to be fucking perfect,” Snob said the following Saturday, his knuckles almost white thanks to the death-grip he had on the steering wheel. “No shitty music, no horny as fuck couples, no damn fifty dollar meals, and no angry as hell couples. So this night, at last, had better be perfect.” 

Phelous didn’t say anything in response, his eyes already locked on the much cheaper and more family-oriented restaurant they were fast approaching.

Half an hour later, Phelous was still not saying anything, but that was mostly because neither he nor Snob could get a word in edgewise.

“And this is the sonogram from last week’s appointment,” Maven of the Eventide said, holding up the chunky scrapbook which was brimming with pictures of things ranging from baby furniture she wanted to buy to potential colleges the baby would one day apply to. “Isn’t it the most adorable little spawn of the devil to ever exist?”

“Of course, even if our child ends up being a harbinger of goodness and light, that doesn’t mean we are going to love him or her any less,” Paw cheerily replied. “To cover our bases, I’ve been playing a wide variety of music for the darling wee one to hear, from the best selections of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to Mussorgsky’s _Night on Bald Mountain_! I’m really hoping our little sweet pea will take after me in the music department!”

“And I am hoping that he or she takes after me and becomes a creature of darkness!” Maven added in just as cheerful a tone.

“How are you doing in there?” Paw asked in a childish, high-pitched voice while rubbing his hand over Maven’s abdomen. “Are you getting big enough and strong enough to come out and greet the world? Mama and Dada really want to see you soon!”

“I’ve been having the strangest craving for pickled pigs’ feet for the past month now,” Maven mused as she took a sip of her red-colored water. “Do you think perhaps our little hellion is already getting a taste for the flesh of the innocent?”

“Or the bastion of joy is preparing for a life as a food connoisseur!” Paw replied, causing them both to chuckle loudly. 

Phelous, who was quickly losing his appetite, pushed aside his half-eaten burger and glanced over at Snob, who also had not been able to finish his soup. He noticed Phelous looking at him and said, none too softly, “Okay, I’ve had enough. Let’s bail.”

“We can’t just ditch them,” Phelous whispered, glancing nervously across the table, though Paw and Maven were too busy studying their scrapbook to notice. “We’ve had that happen to us twice and you know how much it sucks.”

“Fine.” Snob pulled out his wallet and dropped a few bills on the table before turning to the other couple. “Phelous and I have just been offered a chance to be abducted by aliens and anally probed for the next few hours, so we’re going to take it. Do you mind?”

“Hmmm?” Paw asked without glancing up. “Oh, sure, whatever you say. Oh look, darling, doesn’t this shade of purple look like the perfect color for the nursery walls?”

“Yes, that will go splendidly with the black-flame candles and cobwebs I’m planning to use for decorations!”

Snob turned back to Phelous with a smirk. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.” Phelous mumbled as they both stood up and made their way toward the door. At this point, that alien suggestion didn’t sound half bad to him.

\-----

A month later, it was Friday night and Phelous came downstairs to find Snob sitting at the kitchen table busily crossing names off a list he’d written, the phone resting beside him.

“What do you think about that creepy-ass scientist and clown who live with Linkara?”

“Do you know what their actual names are?” Phelous asked. Snob sighed and crossed them off the list as well.

“There has to be one fucking couple…I know there has to be...this can’t be impossible.”

Phelous walked up behind Snob’s chair and wrapped his arms around his neck, hugging him gently. “Like I said before, Snob, it’s fine. You don’t have to keep doing this anymore. You tried your fucking hardest to do this for me and that’s really all I wanted, so let’s just give up for now, okay?” 

Phelous glanced down at Snob, who remained motionless in his embrace for a minute. “I haven’t fucking tried my best,” he finally said softly. “There’s one couple…they wouldn’t fight. They wouldn’t ditch us. They wouldn’t take us anywhere we couldn’t afford. They would be fucking ecstatic to spend the evening with us and do whatever we wanted.”

Phelous’s eyes widened. “Snob…are you serious? You don’t have to do that-”

But it was too late for Phelous to protest. Snob had already picked up the phone and was dialing. Phelous walked around the table to get a better look at Snob’s expression, but his head was lowered and his eyes closed when he started to speak. 

“Hey, Dan…it’s me.”

\-----

The car was oddly silent on the drive over, but neither Phelous nor Snob felt like turning the radio on, let alone talking. Phelous kept looking over at him uncertainly, as if worried that Snob was going to run them off the road at any moment, but the shorter man looked strangely calm, if resigned, about the upcoming evening. When at last they pulled into the parking lot and stepped out of the car, Phelous turned to his boyfriend and offered him a tender smile.

“You know how much I love you, right? And how much I appreciate the shit you’ll put up with for me?” 

Snob gazed up at him, his expression still calm, his eyes rather dark. “I know. You’d do the same for me…actually you’d do more for me. So I can at least do this for you, Phel.”

“Duuuuuudes! You totally made it!” Snob and Phelous turned as 90s Kid and Dan bounded across the blacktop in their direction, waving madly.

“I’m so glad you could come!” Dan said, looking even more excited than he usually did. “I’ve always dreamed of engaging in a foursome with you, Snob!”

“This is a fucking double-date, and that is all, Dan!” Snob snapped, his cheeks suddenly tinted with a brick-red color.

“Oh yes, of course, I apologize for my slip of the tongue!” Dan said with a chuckle. He couldn’t seem to stop bouncing around and his eyes were shining so brightly that Snob couldn’t stand to look at them for more than a few seconds. 

“Whatever. Let’s just get inside and eat before I fucking lose the will to live.” Snob said with a sigh.

“Okay! I hope you two enjoy this wonderful eating establishment we picked out!” Dan said as he and 90s Kid began ushering them into the building.

“You totally will, cuz this place serves really rad pizza!” 90s Kid chimed in. “It’s like, not as awesome as where Dan and me usually eat pizza, but we thought you’d like how, like, classy and junk this place is, Snob-dude.”

“It certainly is classier than an arcade,” Snob admitted as he took a better look around him. They were dining tonight in a small Italian bistro that Snob normally would look down his nose at publicly, while privately visiting at least once a month to stuff his face.

“I think it has a nice, cozy feel to it,” Phelous said, glad to see that Snob actually looked satisfied with the place. The four were seated and ordered quickly, since they were all in the mood for pizza, before Dan flashed his pearly whites at Snob once again.

“Are you having a good time, Snob? Is there anything we can do to make your dining experience with us more pleasant?”

“You can start by not staring at me like that, you fucking creep,” Snob muttered, before Phelous elbowed him in the ribs. “Ah! Fucking asshole,” he groaned as he jabbed Phelous back. “Um, I mean, I don’t know, I guess this is fucking fine so far.”

“Oh good!” Dan and 90s Kid beamed at each other this time. “Remember, this is totally mine and Kid’s treat! I made a nice chunk of change selling this wonderful jukebox not so long ago, so I am happy to spend it on the people who mean the most to me!” Dan cast a slightly dreamy gaze at Snob, whose eye began twitching suddenly. 

“So, uh, how have you guys been?” Phelous asked, hoping some small talk would relax Snob and make him forget about his favorite coffee house. “Did you do anything today before meeting us?”

“Oh, we’ve been just wonderful, thanks,” Dan happily replied, before his smile twitched a bit. “Actually yes, we did happen to go to the movies earlier today.”

“What’d you see?” Snob asked, stirring the ice in his drink with his straw.

“The new _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ movie.”

Instantly both 90s Kid and Phelous dropped their heads onto the table and moaned in agony.

“Duuuuude, that movie was so not radical.”

“What a fucking abomination. I cannot fucking believe Michael Bay ruined another thing I loved from my childhood.”

“I thought explosions were, like, supposed to make movies better…but they didn’t…they totally didn’t…”

“Why do we even let Michael Bay continue to exist?!”

“Why did the turtles look so ugly and gross?”

“Why does Hollywood keep doing this to us?”

“There, there, sweetie, it’ll be okay,” Dan said sympathetically as he rubbed 90s Kid’s back. “I know it hurts when something you love is remade into a piece of trash, but it’s not the end of the world.”

“Yeah, don’t even think about that anymore, Phelous,” Snob said, also awkwardly patting his boyfriend’s back. “No one is going to consider that poorly written piece of shit to be anywhere close to the original cartoons you liked.”

“It really was poorly written,” Dan said, and Snob nodded.

“If even Dan can see that, then you know how much it must fucking suck.”

“Oh Snob, you rapscallion,” Dan said with a chuckle.

“I just don’t get it…why couldn’t they have made the turtles awesome like they used to be?” 90s Kid moaned, forehead still pressed against his placemat. 

“Because Michal Bay is synonymous with ass leakage,” Phelous muttered in reply. He looked up in surprise when this elicited some giggles out of 90s Kid and Dan, and couldn’t help smiling a little himself. “Seriously, I bet you and I could have a written a more faithful and interesting script than that one, 90s Kid.”

“I bet we could’ve too, Phelous-dude!” 90s Kid agreed. 

They continued chatting away about beloved childhood properties being turned into terrible movies, or even worse, remade into terrible movies, before the discussion turned to movies in general. Snob was honestly surprised to hear how much his tablemates hated most of the latest releases, unless they were animated that is, and was actually happy to have people listen to his ranting and bashing without claiming that he didn’t like anything. They continued talking once the pizza was devoured and the drinks guzzled, before moving back out into the parking lot.

“So like, what’s the next awesome toy you’re gonna show on your _Bootleg Zone_ show, Phelous-dude?” 90s Kid wondered curiously. “I totally love when you talk about all that weird junk you find!”

“Actually, I do have something fun planned for the next one, but I was planning on keeping it a secret.” Phelous teased. 

“Aww,” 90s Kid whined a bit before he shook his head and put on a serious expression. “I mean, that’s cool, man. I totally respect all the hard work you do so I can wait like everyone else to find out.”  


Phelous laughed. “I’m just kidding. I don’t mind showing you, 90s Kid. I’m planning to film it this week, so if you want to come by one of these days-”

“Why not now?”

Phelous stopped dead in his tracks and stared at Snob in disbelief, as did Dan and 90s Kid. “Did you…really just say that?”

Snob rolled his eyes. “Shut up. It’s not a big deal if they come by for a little while and play with your toys, Phel. Unless you’ve decided you don’t like sharing,” he said, eyes glittering playfully.

Phelous’s lips curled up. “I don’t mind sharing some of my toys,” he murmured before clearing his throat and turning back toward the still shell-shocked other couple. “Well, since I have Snob’s permission, do you want to-”

“Yes!” Dan cried, clasping his hands tightly together to his chest. “We would be honored!”

“Totally honored, dudes!”

“Fine, then let’s get going before I change my mind,” Snob said. While 90s Kid and Dan scrambled as fast as their legs could carry them back into Dan’s car, Phelous buckled his seat belt and couldn’t help laughing.

“I never thought I’d see this day.”

“You’re not going to see the end of it if you don’t shut the fuck up,” Snob growled, although Phelous could tell he was not angry at all. He leaned over and softly kissed Snob’s cheek before leaning back against his seat and closing his eyes. Snob pulled out of the parking lot, smiling much wider than he normally did.

\-----

“Whoa! Oh dude! This stuff is so unbelievably awesome!” 90s Kid was in awe as he peered around the small study that Phelous had taken over and converted into a storage room for all his games, actions figures, and other miscellaneous junk that Snob held no interest in. “How did you find all this stuff?”

“He spends his weeknights shopping on eBay.” Snob teased.

“I’d rather do that then spend my weeknights searching for Pia Zadora fanfiction.” Phelous replied with a smirk.

Snob blushed. “I-I don’t do that. If I want to immerse myself in shitty pornography, I’ll watch one of the movies in my review pile, thank you very much.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Phelous said, tone disbelieving. 90s Kid and Dan giggled, causing Snob to blush more and turn away. 

“I’m going to check on Lloyd.”

“I’ll help you, Snob!” Dan said, hurrying after him. Snob didn’t bother complaining since his mood was already lightened by spotting the sleeping Siamese cat on top of the kitchen table.

“Hey, buddy,” he said softly as he scratched Lloyd’s head. “Did you miss us? Or did you sleep the whole time and not even notice we were gone. I bet that’s more likely, huh?”

Lloyd swished his tail and purred softly, looking up only when he heard the rustle of a cat food bag. “Oh, Snob, I just noticed Lloyd’s dish is empty,” Dan called from across the kitchen. “Would you like me to fill it? Or perhaps you should be the one to do it.”

“No, it’s fine, go ahead and fill it.” 

“Right away, Snob!” Dan happily filled Lloyd’s dish and watched as the hungry cat approached to nibble at his dinner. “There we go, all finished.”

“Thanks, Dan,” Snob said, walking across the room to face the other man. “Not just for that, I mean. Thanks for…well, tonight, really. I…this meant a lot…to Phelous,” he said, mentally cursing his face for heating up while he was explaining. “So I’m just happy…that he’s happy, you know?”

“Ohhh…” Snob had to look away when Dan’s expression grew too adoring for him to take. “Of course, Snob! I would do anything to make you and your special someone happy!”

“Would you stop calling him that?!” Snob snapped.

“I just love watching the way you look at him with those vulnerable eyes and that tender expression of love!” Dan gushed, causing Snob’s embarrassment and anger to rise to new levels.

“I do not fucking do that!”

“I bet that look gets even more precious when you’re curled up in each others’ arms-”

“Okay, that’s it! Get the fuck out of my house, Dan!” Snob turned and stormed off into the living room, Dan eagerly following behind him.

“What? You want to end the evening so early? Wouldn’t it be great to spend even more time together?”

“No! Get out!”

“What if we made tonight a slumber party? I’m great at making breakfast, Snob.”

“Go home, Dan!”

Snob was about to pull open the front door and toss Dan through it when Phelous and 90s Kid re-emerged from the study. 

“Dude, that was so awesome. Thanks so totally much for showing me your most excellent collection,” 90s Kid said, staring at Phelous with stars in his eyes. “I’ve never met a dude as cool as you, Phelous.”

“Aw, thanks.” Snob frowned when he noticed a twinkle in Phelous’s eye, a frown which deepened when Phelous suddenly rested his hands on 90s Kid’s shoulders. “You know, I like you, 90s Kid. I really like you. In fact…I’m taking you.”

“What?” Snob asked flatly, which was echoed by two more confused versions of the word.

Phelous turned to Dan, his expression now deadly serious. “Let’s trade, Dan. You can have Snob, I’ll take 90s Kid.”

“I…uh…what?” Dan was still trying to smile, but the light in his eyes had died and he was staring at Phelous with a strange sort of grimace on his face.

“Yeah, what?” Snob asked, crossing his arms. “Care to explain your fucking self?”

“You’ve always wanted Snob, haven’t you, Dan?” Phelous continued, only addressing him at the moment. “Well, this is your chance. I promise I won’t get mad at whatever you do, and I promise to treat 90s Kid really well, so you don’t have to worry at all.” Phelous turned back to 90s Kid then and lifted a finger to his cheek, tracing it gently, while his voice grew low and husky. “Don’t worry, Kid. I know how to treat a guy very well. I’ve always thought you were cute and I want to show you a time you’ll never forget. You can even play more with my toys afterwards.”

“Uh…” 90s Kid’s eyes had started to glaze over and his face was turning red, while his body shook uncertainly. “D-dude, you’re totally cool, but I…I can’t…”

“Are you sure you can’t?” Phelous leaned his face in close and touched his nose to 90s Kid’s, who giggled nervously at the contact.

“H-ha! Oh, ha ha! V-very funny joke there, Phelous!” Phelous let out a small yelp when he was suddenly pushed forward onto Snob’s chair while 90s Kid was yanked protectively behind Dan’s back. Dan was still smiling in a very pained manner now while his face looked abnormally sweaty. “Yes, quite a good one! Ha, y-you almost had me going there for a minute!”

Snob couldn’t help looking at Dan’s face in concern. “Hey, are you okay? You look kind of sick.”

“Fine! Just fine!” Dan shouted, as he grabbed 90s Kid’s wrist and moved toward the door. “We’re fine, yes! Just busy, very busy! We’re going to have to be leaving now, and we probably won’t be coming back for a very, very long time, so until we meet again, Snob! And…you!” 

With that, Dan and 90s Kid vanished, the door slamming loudly behind them, and Snob was left alone with a somewhat sore Phelous, who was rubbing his side.

“Ow, shit, the arm dug right into me.”

“I hope you’re not expecting sympathy from me after that little stunt.” Snob said, turning a stern expression on his boyfriend. Phelous couldn’t help rolling his eyes.

“Oh right, because I didn’t just hear you demanding Dan leave not five minutes ago. And I’m sure you’re not happy at all that I’ve ensured he won’t be bothering us for a second double-date anytime soon, right?”

“I…” Snob’s tensed stance relaxed and he slowly walked over to him, placing a hand gently on Phelous’s tender side. “You didn’t have to go that far.” he muttered. 

“I didn’t think Dan would react so strongly,” Phelous admitted with a shrug.

“I can’t believe Dan turned down that offer so emphatically.”

Phelous snickered. “You’re jealous?”

“No. Shut up.”

“You’re so cute when you’re jealous.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

Snob sighed and wrapped his arms around Phelous’s body, resting his head against his chest. “You wouldn’t really trade me in, right?”

Phelous’s arms were around him at once. “Never.”

“Hmmph.”

Phelous bent down and kissed the top of Snob’s head. “Next weekend, can we stay in and just watch movies together on the couch?”

“What about going out?”

“I’m fucking sick of out.”

“Me too.”

Snob pressed a hand behind Phelous’s neck and pushed his head down to his, kissing him softly until Phelous pulled them both down onto the couch. Snob climbed on top of Phelous and nuzzled his chest a bit more before settling down on top of him, his lips lazily kissing along the skin of Phelous’s neck.

“Tonight was actually fun. I guess leaving the house once in a while isn’t the worst fucking thing in the world.” 

Phelous smiled, stroking his fingers gently along Snob’s spine. “Maybe when we’re not sick of out again, we can go back to that coffee shop you liked.”

“Only if we can burn that fucking jukebox first.”

“Well, even if we can’t do that…maybe we can pick out a tolerable song from the selection and dance.”

Snob glanced at him in slight surprise, and then smiled.

“You’re lucky I don’t fucking hate dancing. Or you.”

“I love you too, Snob.”


End file.
